How Would You Feel About The Last Days You Lived?

“…every one of us has already experienced thousands of last times without even realizing it. Most of the time, in fact, you never even imagine that what you’re experiencing is the last time.”

-100 Days of Happiness by Fausto Brizzi

This is the exact realization I had at age 18, when I understood that someone can lose his/her life in an instant and that today could very well be someone’s last. This realization has contributed to my general anxiety about life.

“How would I feel about the last days of my life if I died tomorrow, living the way I’ve chosen to live now?”

This was a question I began asking myself all too often out of desperation, when I’d repeatedly find myself deep in situations I wanted out of. As anxiety-laden as these kinds of questions were for me at the time, they were what eventually gave me the courage to close doors that I mistakenly thought were my only options (or that I initially mistook as the right ones), and to open new ones that I didn’t initially think I was allowed or even capable of opening.

One of the last things my mom said to me during our last phone call, when I for the first time openly questioned whether majoring in violin performance at The Juilliard School was right for me, was simple but unforgettable—“Do what makes you happy.” This truly surprised me, coming from a Korean mom who I grew up seeing as oftentimes uncompromisingly strict and unyielding. But, as I learned during my final years with her, my mom was full of surprises. I noticed these surprises more the older I got. At 18-years-old, I could sense our relationship was changing. In fact, we were changing.

As simple as it seemed at the time, I’ve realized even more as time has passed how much the world needs more happy people. Radiating happiness and spreading inspiration to those around you is even more powerful than opening a school, going to college, or attaining a top position in a company. To me, that is a life I aspire to live. If you are for whatever reason unable to do any of these grand things while being genuinely happy and meaningfully enjoying the presence of your loved ones and those around you (and bringing that joy and love to those around you), then are you living a life without regrets that during your final moments on this Earth you’d feel content reflecting on?

That last conversation I had with my mom was worth more than gold or any amount of money to me. It has had the power to jolt me out of negative situations and to guide me toward positive ones. It has given me the will to thoughtfully plan and to patiently work while savoring the small joys that make life worth living. That last conversation was a last time I will always remember for as long as I live. My hope is that I can be this light for anyone I encounter. They, in turn, can be that light for others in their lives—be it someone they will see countless more times or someone they may be seeing for the very last time.

Featured Image from Unsplash